Alffi

I've never written an eclogue

But if I did, I know,

I would write it about our dog -

In Autumn fog, in snow,

In Summer sun or Spring time rain,

When it's dark or frosty,

Alffi asleep or awake again,

Dull or Pentecosty,

In heat, in cold, when skies are blue,

Our ball of white and brown.

Good dog Alffi - cocking your head,

And bad dog Alffi - Down!

Limericks

There was a young man from Cwmbran
Who said 'Listen, friends, I've a plan -
I really can't stay, I 'm going away.
I'll move out as fast as I can'.

There was a young man of Newport
Who felt that his life was quite fraught.
And so for a prank, he robbed a large bank
And great news - he never was caught!

There was a young couple from Cardiff
They started each sentence with 'If ...'
So whatever they said filled the other with dread
And quite often would end in a tiff.

There was a young man from Aberystwyth
His style, it was quite min'malistic.
In his house was a chair, the rest was quite bare,
When his friends heard, they all went ballistic.

There was an old man from Aberystwyth
Who always was quite antagonistic.
If you said that's black coal, he'd say it's white sole,
His ideas were quite idealistic.

There was a young man from Cornwall
Who really was not quite normal
When he went to the loo, he always turned blue,
Whatever he said, he was formal.

There was a young man from Tregaron,
Whose garden was always quite barren,
He used fertiliser, which he sprayed in a visor,
It protected his eye and blepharon.

There was a young man from China
No person you'll meet could be finer
He stood to attention and also I'll mention
A smidgin of rouge and eyeliner.

There was an old man from London
He knew not his flies were undone.
A man they called Joe said 'you're flying low'
But fixing things was a conundrum.

Look! A man from Crossycilog

What an extraordin'ry fizzog

A boil on his chin, lips far too thin

He looks like a startled bullfrog.

On the dangers of dancing

Dance! Dance! Dance!
Like a tiger on the loose

Dance! Dance! Dance!
Like a gawky gliding goose

Dance! Dance! Dance!
Like a body on a noose.

Psychology

Sigmund Freud
Would get annoyed
If your feet were on the couch -
He was always such a grouch!

Carl G Jung
Once took a bung
They gave him lots of money
So he'd say something funny.

Abe Maslow
Was not too slow
To put the blame on others
Especially his brothers.

Carl Rogers
Loved the Dodgers
He'd often go watch them play
But not if they played away.

To the girl in the reflection

To the girl in the reflection
I know it's wrong to stare
While I gaze in your direction,
Just pretend that I'm not there.
I imagine your affection
Ending my dejection
As I chase my predilection
For spending my journey back home
With the girl in the reflection.

Gardening

The allotment meant a lot to Lancelot Lane,
But his greenhouse was just a pain.
How he dug the tool of his trade, his garden spade,
Give him a hoe and how he'd laugh.
His lawn so fine he cut each day with iron blade,
but wished like Cain, he'd had more staff.

Lyric for my latest lay

As he lay down the law, how he lied.
Behind a layer of lies this leering,
learned layman led us on in pride.
He was no lawyer, just a liar!

Seventies style Marriage Lines

She's putting her foot down
About him putting his foot down
On the accelerator.

She wonders if there's grounds
In the sink full of coffee grounds
For a quickie divorce.

She gets so blue
When he gets so blue
At the office do.

He's getting his hair off
About her getting her hair off
In the bathroom sink.

He does his nut
When she does her nut
And it takes all night.

Two short Welsh pieces

Rebecca

Rebecca, O Rebecca,
You're a riot of a girl.

Welsh Ennui

Well, we are bored
En' we?

The Fantasist 5

He was with Wilma
But he wanted Wanda

The Fantasist 4

While kissing Karissa
He was dreaming of Dreena

The Fantasist 3

His mind
Was on Mindy
Over Maendy
While in Somerton Place
In an embrace
With Grace.

The Fantasist 2

From the verandah he had a gander at Amanda,
As he sat in the flat with Cat.

See also here

i loved her hair

I knew a woman
I loved her eyes
She put on glasses
Now hear my sighs

I knew a woman
I loved her hair
She changed the colour
I was in despair.

I knew a woman
I loved her face
She changed her make up
I sunk without trace.

The shape I'm in

I've tried to see it from different angles,
The truth is I'm emotionally wreckt.
Pent up frustration inwardly strangles,
Oh exaggeration, nothing correct.

But now at last I have been he'pt to see
I ought not to have made such a demand,
Should have been a real non-starter for me.
So here on the deck of the ship I stand
Trying to shape up and see what went wrong,
Now I'm all alone and my Polly gone.

Hot graphing

I took my temperature
With a tacograph
It was miles more than it should have been

I took my temperature
With a polygraph
It was at least a hundred and ten

I took my temperature
With a spirograph
A clear pattern began to emerge

I took my temperature
With an (a)ccel'rograph
It had erupted, set for the sky.

I took my temperature
With a cryptograph
Ju x-bt b-hb-jo b 110

Skeleton staff

I had to go downstairs for an X-ray
The day was a Monday bank holiday
Well, I had to laugh -
They only had a skeleton staff.

The fantasist

He imagined Imogen
While on a date with Kate.

Preacher's Saturday Song

Where's my hymn book to?
Is it in Timbuktu?
Where's my hymn book gone?
It was here all along.

Whereat

Had you heard,
Ed had a hood?
He would.
It looked so odd,
Handmade in hide.
To hide your head
Inside a hood
It is not good.

And I'll add -
Hudd had a hat,
Cool cat.
The hat was hit
But it was hard.
To hide your head
Inside a hat
That's where it's at.